maya12-21-2012.com's Official 2012 Forum > MayaSpace
Roo's Patch of Dirt
Roo:
^ Shit, sorry for making light of your dark night Evo. As usual, discordance can arise when I think with too little emotion.
Roo:
Just wanted to add something to my blog and share something that occurred today. I'll make it short. I went for a two hour bush trail walk in a national park type thingy in my city and, after thinking incessantly and then realising what I was doing, practised presence. I know for many of you this state of mind is common but as I said recently in my past it was a hindrance as it only fuelled the derealisation I regularly experienced (complete loss-of-context spaced out lost mind-state). This time, however, after "rebuilding my mental strength" over these past years, I was able to go in and out of complete presence without getting derealised. It was so wonderful - drinking water, and then observing the bottle, feeling its texture, noticing my hands for the first time.. I was completely immersed in my actions and although mundane I experienced them joyfully.
I also pondered/confronted those old feelings of inadequacy and can say that they are starting to ebb away. I can feel myself becoming more of myself and I am starting to allow whatever I am to emerge and be accepted. It comes down to doubt and trust, and always has. I am definitely within the transition from doubt to trust, I am happy to announce. I am unsure why, but learning to go the direction of trust has been THE hardest thing I have gone through. I think that is because trust is invisible (at least for me) - or was it just hard to see? It's that guidance one hopes is in place, and as many of my choices were not externally supported I put my faith in that hope for something I can't know for sure is really there. But to make other choices, I've found, is to be discordant within, and so, unless I want to be unhappy, my hand is forced. It's funny, I think I've come to this point by walking down every avenue of doubt possible, and waiting for a satisfaction that never came. There are no options left but to trust myself, and so here I am, finally beginning to do so. Trusting myself was a very foreign concept until recently but I think I am now beginning to learn the language; one day, "no doubt," I will become fluent!
Star Shine:
Yah-fucking-hoo, you're the man Roo.
Thanks for reflecting. Appreciated. :-)
Star Shine:
--- Quote from: Roo on July 21, 2012, 04:08:31 AM ---
^ Shit, sorry for making light of your dark night Evo. As usual, discordance can arise when I think with too little emotion.
--- End quote ---
Not sure why you are apologizing but can appreciate the sentiment. :)
Roo:
(I apologise in advance if this reads like a fucking kids novel.)
An interesting thing happened today; I had an important revelation. Now lately I have been working on my appearance, trying this and that, experimenting with new fashions. This was all based on feeling inadequate in my clothing pieces which were few, simple, and perhaps, to me, childish. Compared to the high fashion of the city my clothes felt way too comfortable - I was never going to meet any girls! So anyway I bought some things and ended up with half a wardrobe of "in" things along side my older half of mismatched items (in various states of decay). Wearing my new clothes was fun for a while; I'd receive complimentary and flirtacious looks from women (and men) and I rested on a sense of confidence that I had a right to be in public. But that didn't last long and I began to feel uncomfortable again. One day I was so anxious in my new "shiny jeans" I couldn't help but scan every passerby for evidence, found in their eyes, of their reaction to my "image." I became so insecure that I had no choice but to return, in haste, to my place of lodging, away from all the feedback. Once back I was mentally exhausted and confused. I went to bed that night just relieved to get away from that situation.
The next morning, however - and I don't know why, it was a truly unconscious impulse - I felt a strong desire to wear my favourite, simplest clothes, the ones I felt most comfortable in. And I had a great day. The anxiety was gone, and I no longer felt insecure. My clothes, although basic, felt like the finest garments of Paris, well, at least far more finer than my "fashionable" gear. I was considering this as I walked home and it dawned on me what was happening. The only reason why I chose to wear fashionable clothes - clothes that I didn't necessarily want to wear, but which were deemed socially acceptable - was because I felt insecure without them. They were a compensation for inferiority feelings. But why didn't they work? Because when I wore them they reinforced the idea that I was inferior and needed to wear nice clothing to feel worthy. It was an impossible solution. Had I worn them because I genuinely thought they suited me it would have been an authentic and neutral experience; but I didn't really care what I wore, I only chose them to boost my self-esteem. Thus the very act of donning them recreated this psychological state of mind and polarised the inferiority feelings and compensatory mechanism: the better I dressed the more inferior I felt and the more anxious I became.
It is such a relief to become aware of this process. And to go through the experience has somehow made it ok to dress simply, but I don't know how. I feel ok wearing plain clothes now, it is more natural for me anyhow. I am the odd, scruffy, awkward, introverted type - and proud of it. Dressing fancy was so inauthentic, but I had to try it out. I guess I can still dress formal, etc. but no longer will I use fashion as a form of compensation. Me is me is me is me. I stare at trees. I sit on wet seats. I pick the hairs on my chin. I am awkward, spontaneous, sometimes in my own world, and I find delight in unusual aspects of the environment. I wear glasses. I hunch over sometimes. And I don't really care about staying within the confines of that which is deemed socially acceptable. I am in my own universe, so to speak, I can do what I want.
I must be careful of labelling myself as alternative or anti-materialist and defining myself in opposition to materialism. I will just pick that which suits me. Simple. A
nd yeah this might all seem shallow but clothing/appearance is just one of many sphere in the life of someone with low self-esteem.
Thanks blog.
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